I don't know Megan, but she shared these thoughts online and I think her words are beautiful and they speak to my soul.
Three years ago, my husbands uncle called to share some great news, he
got married to his long time partner the previous week! We welcomed the
news, and felt joy and happiness for Steve and Ben! But something tugged
at my heartstrings. I felt conflicted, because I was taught to oppose
gay marriage, that it was wrong, and that I should condemn such
behavior. I had even contributed to the Church's efforts to fight Prop 8
in California(a fact I am not proud of, but had done so at the urging
of my priesthood leaders). But on the other hand, I was sad because
Ryan's uncle had kept his secret, about his sexual identity, and the
love of his life, from us for years and years, for fear of rejection and
our judgement (and other reasons I cannot be sure of), and it broke my
heart a little that he had to hide this from us.
I worried about what to do. About what to teach my children. Do I
teach them as my church instructed, to condemn and judge our family
member because of his love for his husband? For who he was? Or do I
teach how I truly felt, that he deserved love and companionship, and
that I fully supported it in my heart?
I was in young women's as
the laurel advisor at the time. Every other lesson I had to give was
the importance of temple marriage. A few months after, I read a line in
our young women's manual that said "the only path to true happiness is a
temple marriage." It immediately made my heart say, "I don't believe
that", for I knew far too many happy people who didn't have a temple
marriage.
I had struggled with the temple and the idea that only
those who go there get to be with their families forever, for many
years. But I had put my faith in this doctrine anyways, until that
pivotal moment. I couldn't stand by and condemn 19/20th of the worlds
population, for simply being born in the wrong place or wrong time.
There had to be some biblical foundation for such an exclusionary
practice. I figured it was time to research for the scriptural
foundation that could buoy my faith. So I began an intense study of the
bible and Book of Mormon. After long hours of study and prayer, I
realized that it just wasn't there and felt relief but also immense
confusion as for what to do next. My faith was shattered.
In the months that followed, there was much pain and heartache. And I
didn't know if the foundation of my faith could withstand any other
blows. My dad found a beautiful talk from John Dehlin of Mormon Stories,
about "Why I stay." He proffered that perhaps it doesn't have to be all
or nothing.
I watched John Dehlin speak and my heart connected
as his sincerity spoke to my aching soul. I found his podcasts and the
community; finally a haven where I could talk openly about my concerns
and doubts. Where I could find scholars and historians who were deeply
committed to open dialogue and finding truth. There were interviews from
thoughtful, fatithful members, and doubters, as well as scholars who
were well versed in the subjects, and Mormons who've had to leave the
faith for their integrity and emotional health. John Dehlin was always
the devils advocate no matter which side he was interviewing. He created
a space in which you didn't have to be black and white, polarized in
thought and deed. He truly was neutral. It gave me peace. It helped me
see that it's ok to stay even when it's hard. It's also ok to leave when
you are past your breaking point. He maintained such a multi-view
rational, that my anger and feelings of betrayal could be set aside, and
I could find middle ground.
On this day, the day after his
disciplinary "court of love", where his fate is still in the hands of
his ecclesiastical leaders, my heart breaks. Not because he is an
apostate in the eyes of his church, but because it symbolizes how people
like he and I are viewed within the church. Unorthodox Mormons. People
who've had to find more nuanced beliefs after a crisis of faith. People
who want the church to grow and be a big tent, as it really is in some
progressive cities around the globe, but sadly on the general level, it
is not. On this day, as they show John Dehlin the door, they aren't just
saying he is apostate, they are saying that he doesn't belong here,
along with the thousands like him, myself included.
So, my heart is sad, but I am forever grateful for the courage and bravery of John Dehlin.
For asking the hard questions, for creating a safe space for Mormons
around the globe, and for hanging in there despite the immense sacrifice
from he and his family. Perhaps years from now, there will be a space
for those unorthodox Mormons, and lgbt Mormons, and non believing
Mormons. A bigger community of love and support, despite our individual
beliefs. Until then, I will find my own path, make it if I have to.
